Crazy life in general

Hmmm....A lot has gone on since I last blogged. I have had a lot of thoughts and happenings. I guess a good place to start would be with my wonderful husband. He deployed last week in support of OEF. He will be gone for at least a year. This being said, so many emotions come with this. The only thing I can remotely compare it to is the death of a loved one. You go through anger, sadness, depression, bitterness, and fear. But unless you let all these things go, you will stay that way through out the entire deployment and it is so hard to get yourself back when he returns. Deployment changes us. Not just the soldier, but the spouse and the kids. It changes the way you see and look at life. It changes your family dynamics, your relationships. Hopefully all for the better. I personally, after 11 years of marriage, find myself lost with out my husband. I find it hard to function and do my job as a mother, much less my job as a person. I fear that if I let this consume me, i will be sucked into a never ending black hole of fear and despair. I will loathe everything and everyone. I will not find Joy in anything. I will be fearful of things that have not come to pass and may never come to pass. I cannot and will not let this happen. I value my jobs as mother and a wife too much. I have to give this heavy burden to God and nail it to the cross, or it will consume me. I cannot let the enemy steal my joy. I have to rest assured that God is watching out for my husband and his comrades. I have to have FAITH. God made me to have faith and to find joy in all things he has created. He is the lord of ALL.

Children....
For some reason, when dad is away or just not at home, my children find it absolutely necessary to run amok! I cannot explain this phenomenon, but what ever there is that they are not suppose to do, it is done and what is suppose to be done is not! I just don't think i can yell anymore. I really don't know how Drill Sergeants do it! My girls are perfect and lovely in other people presence, but when it comes to just me and them, all bets are off. I love and adore my girls. I love to watch them grow and see the women they are becoming, but some times...
My son on the other hand is a handful to say the least. I think we will start potty training tomorrow. I will be so glad when it is done. I am tired of changing yucky diapers. He is so cute and he knows it. But when he is upset, your hear just breaks, as it does for the girls too. As we were saying good bye to their dad, the girls started to cry. I was doing okay holding it all together, but when you see your children cry, it breaks your heart. To see them in pain is almost unbearable. If God created us to be like him, I can only imagine how much he, as our heavenly father loves us and feels for us when we go through turmoil.

Funny and sad.....
The other night, the first night my husband was gone, my son was crying hysterically. I went into his room to check on him and he held out his doll to me and said "my daddy doll, my daddy doll"! I picked up his deployment doll and he had somehow managed to remove the picture of his daddy that was in it and couldn't get it back in. Hearing your child cry and sob because of a picture, because that is the only thing they have to comfort them because their parent is gone, is also heartbreaking. On another note, losing a whole roll of toilet paper to the toilet, because your 2 yr old thinks its fun to flush the potty, can be frustrating and funny. At least after he had flushed it all, he put the roll in the trash!

My Husband....
Is soooooooooo wonderful and fabulous. I miss him more than words can say. He is my lover, my help mate. He is the priest of our household. He is a wonderful man of God. I love him so much. He sent me 2 dozen roses a day after he left, just to let me know that he loves me and supports me and knows how hard this is for not only me, but him too. He called me today and all I could do is cry. I really hope this gets easier. He has an important job to do, as all of our soldiers do, and he doesn't need to hear me cry and worry about me every time he calls. Its just hard, it feels like he has been ripped out of our lives. It feels like he is just out of reach and no matter how hard you try to get to him, you just can't. He's always just beyond your grasp.

So, right now, I am taking it day by day. I am trying not to judge others. I am trying at times just to keep it all together. I am trying not to be selfish right now, although that is very hard. Sometimes it is all I can do to just take care of myself. Most of all, I am trying to see the Joy in life. I am so blessed to have great kids, a wonderful husband who is willing to fight for our freedom and our marriage, fabulous family and friends that are here to help me when it gets rough, and most of all, God.